RELIGIOUS GUIDELINES REGARDING THE FAMILY IN ISLAM

BS FOAD,M.D 2208


MARRIAGE

Islam encourages marriage

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Evidence from the Qur’an

Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among your slaves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and He knoweth all things.

An-Nur 24 : 32


If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

An-Nesa’a 4 : 3


Evidence from the Sunnah ( tradition of Prophet Muhammad PBUH )

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1- Abdullah Bin Masoud related that Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) said:

( O young people: whoever among you is capable of marriage, let him get married; for it safeguards your eyes and chastity; and whoever is unable to get married, and should resort to fasting, for it affords protection )

Bokhari & Muslim in the Book of marriage


2- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) also said:

( This life is enjoyment for a time, and the best useful enjoyment in this life is a righteous woman )

Muslim after Abdullah Bin Amrou in the Book of infant feeding


3- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) also said:

( Four things are the Sunnah ( tradition ) of the messengers : Hia’a ( shyness ); pleasant smell; brushing the teeth; and marriage )

Termedhi after Abi Ayyoub, Book of marriage.


4- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( Four things whoever was given them, he was given the good things in this life and in the Hereafter:

Related by Tabarani after Ibn Abbas


5- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( Whomever Allah provided him with a good righteous wife, He surely has helped him regarding half his religion, let him then fear Allah and be conscious of Him regarding the other half of his religion )

Tabarani, Baihaqi & Hakim after Anas



6- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( Three people deserve to be helped by Allah:

Termedhi, Ibn Hibban & Hakim after Abou Horaira


7- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( A woman is married for one of four reasons:

Therefore, choose the one with morals and religion, otherwise you will loose )

Ahmad, Bazzar & Ibn Hibban after Abi Sa’eed Al-Khudry


In another version after Abou Horaira:

( A woman is married for one of four reasons:

Therefore, choose the one with morals and religion, otherwise your hands will be in the dirt ( you will become poor and loose )

Bokhari & Muslim


8- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said when a man asked him about a wife of means and beauty but she does not bear children :

( Marry the one that can bear many children, for I will be proud of you in front of other nations )

Abou Dawood, Nesa’ee & Hakim after Ma’qil Bin Yasar


9- Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( A believer does not benefit more after being conscious of Allah from a righteous wife:

Ibn Majja after Abi Umama, though it may be a week Hadeeth.


The Wisdom & rational of marriage

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  1. Fulfillment of natural instinct in a legitimate manner

  2. Marriage provides tranquility, security and peace

  3. To have children

  4. Closeness and cooperation among families


Fulfillment of natural instinct in a legitimate manner

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It is human nature to look for the opposite sex and to seek intimate relationship. This natural instinct is necessary and useful, but must be regulated within the bounds of marriage, to ensure respect and safeguard the rights of children; and to avoid promiscuity and illegitimate children, and lack of respect for women.



So set thou thy face steadily and truly to the Faith: (establish) Allah's handiwork according to the pattern on which He has made mankind: no change (let there be) in the work (wrought) by Allah: that is the standard Religion: but most among mankind understand not.

Ar-Rum 30 : 30


Islam, therefore, did not advocate celibacy, but recognized such natural human instinct. Prophet Muhammad prohibited celibacy and encouraged marriage. Samra said that the Prophet ( PBUH ) prohibited celibacy ( Termedhi ). He refused the request of Ibn Madhoun to remain celibate and not marry ( Termedhi & Muslim ) after Sa’d Bin Abi Waqas. Also in the story of the three men who came asking about the Prophet’s manners at home, and one of them vowed not to marry ever, Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) said: ( But I do marry women: whoever does not wish to follow my tradition, he is not one of us ) Bokhari.


If this sexual urge is not fulfilled and controlled in a legitimate way, it will be done in a manner that will allow the spread of indecency, adultery, destruction of the family, spread of venereal diseases and the birth of illegitimate children. The Qur’an described this danger :



Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).

Al-Isra’a 17 : 32


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) explained the danger of not allowing marriage when he said:

( When a person comes to you, and you like his character and morals and religion, then accept his offer of marriage; if you do not do that, it will lead to trials and corruption on earth )

Termedhi after Abi Hatim.

We see this effect nowadays in many Muslim countries because parents are looking for material things and refuse to marry their daughters unless she is provided with money. The result is that many young men and women are not married, which in turn leads to illicit relationship and new ways to get married outside the legal way.


Marriage provides peace, security and tranquility

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Allah based the relationship between the two spouses on love, kindness and mercy. They help and support each other, and provide comfort and security. In their home each finds in the other an oasis of peace and contentment, as they complete and complements each other. They share their dreams and fears and face their problems together and look to their future. Allah dignified and elevated such intimate relationship and coined it as one of His signs:


And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

Ar-Rum 30 : 21



They are your garments and ye are their garments.

Al-Baqara 2 : 187


A person who lives alone and refuses to marry, deprives himself, or herself, from the blessing that Allah provides in marriage. The need to find someone close and have an intimate relationship with, becomes acute when a person is sick, feels lonely , is under stress or gets older.


Marriage is the normal way of having children

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Children are a blessing from Allah. Some married couples enjoy this blessing, while others are not able to have children:




To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan),

Ash-Shura’ 42 : 49


Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is full of Knowledge and Power.

As-Shura’ 42 : 50


Therefore, when we have children we should cherish them and take care of them and raise them well and be grateful to Allah for His blessing and grace.


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) encouraged marriage and having children:

( Get married to a wife that can bear many children and is kind and loving, for I will be proud of you in front of other nations on the Day of Judgment )

Abou Dawood & Nesa’ee


Closeness and cooperation among families

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Each community is made up of several families, united in their devotion and service to Allah. When these families get closer and cooperate, it is for the benefit of their community. One of the ways such closeness is achieved is through marriage, since the two families become united in a sacred tie.


Marriage historically was an important link among the tribes, and afforded strength and protection. It is still a useful way for forming an extended family.


It also limits the spread of hereditary diseases if marriage is confined among relatives.



Is marriage necessary or recommended at all times?

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Under normal circumstances marriage is recommended provided the following conditions are met:


Marriage can be postponed until such a time comes when these conditions can be met.


If a person is physically or mentally unable to marry and perform his/ her role as a spouse, then marriage should be avoided


Marriage usually takes precedence over devoting ourselves entirely to worship, because it affords protection and safeguards our chastity. We can worship God while married.


Seeking knowledge or devoting ourselves to learning and acquiring knowledge is a noble cause, but should not prevent us from marriage



The Family in Islam

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The family is the essential unit in each community. The community is made of several families that work together and cooperate in virtue. When the family is sound and strong, the community is healthy and succeeds. On the other hand, if morals deteriorate, and faith is weak, and there is no cohesiveness in the family, the community suffers for evil and corruption spreads rapidly.


Each person learns from his family his morals and behavior. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( Every newborn is born with pure innate nature, it is his parents who make him a Jew, or a Christian, or an atheist, in the same way as the animal is born whole and healthy, do you see any illness or defect in it ! ) Muslim



Qualities of the Ideal wife

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  1. Kind, loving and merciful and able and willing to provide a home that is peaceful, refreshing and support her husband



And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

Ar-Rum 30 : 21


  1. Able to bear children :


And those who pray, "Our Lord! grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."

Al-Furqan 25 : 74


"Now I fear (what) my relatives (and colleagues) (will do) after me: but my wife is barren: so give me an heir as from Thyself,

Marium 19 : 5


"(One that) will (truly) represent me, and represent the posterity of Jacob; and make him, O my Lord! one with whom Thou art well pleased!"

Marium 19 : 6


  1. Of good morals and character and good religious upbringing for she then will safeguard and take care of her husband:


Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard

An-Nesa’a 4 : 34


  1. Good looking

  2. 5- Of good family and equal to the husband


Khitba ( Proposal of marriage )

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A person who wishes to marry a woman is allowed, and is encouraged to look at her before he proposes.


Evidence from the Sunnah :

1- Al-Mugheera Bin Shu’ba said : I proposed to marry a woman. The Prophet ( PBUH ) asked me: ( Did you look at her ? ) I said: No. He said : ( Look at her, for this may like each other and get married )

Termedhi & Nesa’ee


2- Jabir said: The messenger of Allah ( PBUH ) said: ( If one of you proposes marriage to a woman, it is better to look at her if you can, for looking at her may induce him to marry her ). I did propose to a young woman, and used to hide and look at her. Then I saw what made me marry her and I did .

Ahmad & Abou Dawood


What is the person allowed to look at ?

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There is no disagreement among the scholars regarding looking at the face and hands.


Some allow looking at what may show of the girl or woman. They rely on the Hadeeth of Jabir that he used to hide and look, meaning that he may have seen her hair, arms, feet and legs. Others refute this opinion and say that anything more than the face and hands is Awra ( forbidden and not allowed to see ) stating the Qur’anic verse:


that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof

An-Nur 24 : 31


In a similar way, it is allowed for the girl or woman to look at the person proposing to marry her.


Where they should meet and know each other ?

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Long time ago, a man would send his mother to look at his future bride and describe her to him. Some, may have taken a glance at her face, others did not.


Nowadays, it is expected that the future bride and groom would meet and sit together and talk and get to know one another. They would talk and ask questions, that are important to them. This way they find out if they are suitable and like each other or not. Such a meeting should occur in the company of other members of the family. It may happen at home or outside. The two should avoid getting together in seclusion ( Khalwa ), or having more intimate contact, since they are not lawful to one another until the marriage occurs. Khitba or Khotouba is only a proposal of marriage and is not a binding contract like marriage.


What we see today that the couple move in and live together and have intimate sexual contact in order to “ know one another “ is not accepted in Islam, for it is a form of Zena ( adultery ) and illicit fornication that is forbidden in any divine law.



What is Awra’ ( Areas not allowed to see or look at )

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Al Maharem ( those who are forbidden to marry that particular woman ) is allowed to see or look at what may appear of a woman’s body under normal circumstances like her neck, chest , arm or leg. This is the meaning of the verse:



And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss.

An-Nur 24 : 31


Other scholars are more strict, and dislike that a man looks at anything in a woman, except her face or hands, even though she is related to him, and is forbidden to him in marriage. Their rational is fear of excitement and evil thoughts.


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

(A man should not look at the Awra of another man, nor should a woman look at the Awra of another woman; a man should not clothe himself with another man in one garment, nor should a woman clothe herself in one garment with another woman )

Muslim after Abdul Rahman bin Saeed Al-Khudri


A man’s Awra is what is between the umbilicus and his knee. Some scholars said that a man’s thigh is not Awra and relied on a Hadeeth related by Anas that he saw the thigh of the Prophet ( PBUH ) in Khaybar ( Bokhari & Muslim ). Other scholars believe that the thigh in a man is Awra because of another Hadeeth that Allah’s messenger told one of his companions to cover his thighs for they are Awra ( Ahmad ).


Avoid looking at things you should not look at

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The Prophet ( PBUH ) advised Muslims not to look a second time. Jareer related that he asked Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) about looking all of a sudden, and he said : ( Lower your glance and do not look ) Muslim & Abou Dawood.


The Prophet ( PBUH ) told Ali Bin Abi Talib :

( O Ali, do not follow one glance with another, for the first look is for you ( you are not accountable for you could have looked for no bad intention ) but the second look is not allowed for you ) Ahmad & Abou Dawood, Termedhi & Hakim.


A physician is allowed to look and examine women because it is his job to diagnose and treat. He cannot help the woman without examining her. It is necessary for him to examine her.


The same guidelines are for woman who also should not look at things that are not allowed or are forbidden. Umm Salama related that she was with Allah’s messenger as well as Maymona ( both Umm Salama & Maymona are two wives of the prophet PBUH ). Then IbnUmm Maktoum entered and he was a blind man. This occurred after Hijab was ordered. Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) said: Cover yourselves from him. They said: But he is blind and cannot see us? He replied : ( Are you blind and cannot see him ? ) ( Ahmad & Termedhi ). This confirms the verse in the Qur’an:



And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze

An-Nur 24 : 31


Other scholars are of the opinion that a woman can look at a man except for his Awra ( between umbilicus and knee ). They rely on two Hadeeth:

* That the Prophet ( PBUH ) allowed Aesha to look at the men from Habasha entertaining Muslims at the mosque with their spears )Bokhari & Muslim. Others said : Aesha was a young girl at that time. Others said: No she was around 15 or 16 years old.

*A similar Hadeeth is that Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) ordered Fatima Bint Qais to stay the period of her Idda ( time she has to wait after divorce before she is allowed to marry ) in the house of Ibn Umm Maktoumk, and said: ( He is a blind man, you can take off your clothes in his presence ) Bokhari & Muslim.

* Also women at the time of the Prophet ( PBUH ) were allowed to go out to the mosque and market.


THE RIGHTS OF THE WIFE


A wife has rights, as well as obligations. We will discuss the rights of a wife over her spouse first:


TO TREAT HER WELL

The Qur’an orders the men to treat their wives well according to what is normal, customary and expected :


live with them on a footing of kindness and equity

An-Nesa’a 4 : 19


The guidelines as outlined in other parts of the Qur’an:


As human beings we all make mistakes. It is important to realize human weakness and forgive and overlook, rather than hold a grudge.


: let them forgive and overlook: do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? For Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

An-Nur 24 : 22


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) gave advice that we should be kind and takes care of our wives:


( Be good and kind to your wives, for a woman was created from a crooked rib; the most crooked part of the rib is its highest point: so if you try to correct it, you may break it; if you leave it alone, it is still crooked, therefore take good care of women )

Narrated in Bokhari


We should not infer from this Hadeeth that the Prophet ( PBUH ) is criticizing women or demeaning them. Rather he is pointing to an aspect in women’s nature that men should be aware of, namely their emotional nature and that they should be treated gently and with care. The Prophet ( PBUH ) is telling us not to try and correct a woman’s nature, for if we do it will fail and may cause a bad reaction.


To emphasize that women should be cared for and treated well, Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:


( The best amongst you is the best to his wife and family; and amongst you I am best to my wife and family )

Termedhi, Ibn Majja & Tabarani


He ( PBUH ) also said:

( Among the believers, those who have the utmost of belief, are those who have the best character and morals; and your best are those who are best to their wives )

Ahmad, Abou Dawood, Ibn Hibban & hakim


To treat a woman well is to show respect and seek her council. There is no one closer to a man than his wife. By demonstrating trust and respect and seeking her advice and not making an important decision without consulting her first, shows how much a husband cares for his wife, not in empty words, but in action. The Qur’an stresses the importance of consultation and council:


if they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them.

Al-Baqara 2 : 233


so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment).

Al-Imran 3 : 159



Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular prayer; who (conduct) their affairs by mutual Consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on them for Sustenance;

Ash-Shura’ 42 : 38


No man should raise his voice, or insult his wife, especially in front of her children or in front of strangers. This is demeaning and shows lack of respect. If the children see their father treat their mother ill and afford her no respect or dignity, they will grow up lacking respect for women, and they will have a difficult time with their wives and children. On the contrary, a man who shows his wife how much he loves her, cherishes her and respects her is giving a good example for his children. A home based on love, kindness, respect is a home full of love and nourishes the children who grow up healthy emotionally. IN contrast, a home full of arguments, bickering, shouting and lack of love or kindness, can only foster children who are emotionally sick and psychologically troubled.


Excessive jealousy should also be avoided, for it shows lack of trust and can cause suffering to the wife and limits her freedom. The society at the time of Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) was such that when a woman married she moved from her parent’s home to her husband’s home. Some scholars state in Fiqh that “ a woman cannot get out of her house without her husband’s permission” . Such statements may have been appropriate for a society that made man the absolute ruler and his word is law, but does not apply today. If we limit the freedom of women, they will feel imprisoned and no woman will stand for such restrictions today. It is good manners for both husband and wife to tell each other where they are going and what are they doing. Without respect and trust and mutual cooperation marital life will turn into fights and arguments. True, prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said : ( A woman should not go out without her husband’s permission ), but this saying should be understood in the context of the society he lived in. When society changes, we follow the spirit of the Hadeeth and not the exact wordings. This Hadeeth nowadays mean that asking permission indicates politeness and good manners, and informing the husband of what she intends to do. He should not tell her: No , stay at home, I forbid you to go out , like some very conservative Muslim men do, citing his authority.



PROVIDING FOR THE WIFE AND FAMILY


The husband is responsible to provide for his wife and family. Traditionally the man worked, earned his living and provided for his family. This does not mean that the wife cannot work and earn a living herself, and help support her family. Many households nowadays cannot survive with one income, and there is nothing wrong with women working. What is important for each family is to set goals, and understand their responsibility. Traditionally, the man worked and provided, and the woman stayed at home and took care of the family and house. If the children are grown up, what prevents the wife from going out and working or volunteering! Even when the children go to school or there is adequate baby sitting, there are situations that would allow the wife to work and help her family, if she wants to do that. What is important is discussion and mutual agreement and that each spouse shoulders his or her responsibility.


The Qur’an states that each person provides for his family according to his means:



Let the man of means spend according to his means: and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. After a difficulty, Allah will soon grant relief.

At-Talaq 65 : 7



Let the women live (in 'iddat,) in the same style as ye live, according to your means: annoy them not, so as to restrict them.

At-Talaq 65 : 6


We understand from this verse :


When resources are limited, what is crucial should take precedence over trivial or unimportant things. Food, housing, clothing and education are fundamentals, while travel, amusement or excessive spending has no place at that time. Patience and sacrifice are the cornerstone during this period of married life that every couple must go through.


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) was asked: O messenger of Allah what is the right of my wife over me ? He said :



( That you feed her when you eat, and you clothe her when you clothe yourself; do not hit the face; do not say bad words to her or insult her; and do not stay away from her except at home )

Ahmad


We learn from this Hadeeth:


Some may understand from this Hadeeth that the Prophet ( PBUH ) is giving men a license or permission to beat their wives, as long as they do not beat or hit her in the face. This is wrong understanding because the spirit of the Hadeeth emphasizes respect and caring and abhors ill-treatment or humiliation. The words of the Hadeeth are meant to imply the meaning and illustrate the spirit. If we get stuck on the literal words, then men may feel legitimate in beating their wives. This obviously is wrong, for it goes against the teachings of Islam and what it states that love, kindness and mercy are the foundation of marriage. We have to look at the whole of the Qur’an and Sunnah, and understand this according to the society that we live in.


The Prophet ( PBUH ) also stressed that the best money that we spend is that spent on our families. He said:


( Give charity ). A man said: O messenger of Allah, I have one Dinar. He said ( Spend it on your wife ). The man said: If I have another Dinar ? the prophet ( PBUH ) said : ( Spend it on your child )

Baihaqi & Homaidi


The Prophet ( PBUH ) also said :


( The best charity is that given when you can afford to give; The upper hand is better than the lower hand; and start with those whom you are supposed to provide for ) He was asked: Whom am I supposed to provide for ? He said: ( Your wife and children and servant )

Bokhari


If a man is well-off then he should provide for his family accordingly and not be a miser. That does not mean extravagance in spending or showing off. Moderation in spending is recommended in the Qur’an:


Those who, when they spend, are not extravagant and not niggardly, but hold a just (balance) between those (extremes);

Al-Furqan 25 : 67


Make not thy hand tied (like a niggard's) to thy neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach, so that thou become blameworthy and destitute.

Al-Isra’a 17 : 29


Say: Who hath forbidden the beautiful (gifts) of Allah, which He hath produced for His servants, and the things, clean and pure, (which He hath provided) for sustenance?.

Al-Ara’f 7 : 32



HOW TO SETTLE DIFFERENCES OF OPINION


In married life arguments are bound to occur and there will differences in opinion. As human beings we see things in different ways and our approach and solutions to problems varies depending on our nature, education, experience and ability to reason.


Having differences of opinion is therefore expected and should be dealt with and settled in a way that is right and amicable and leaves both spouses satisfied and committed. It should not result in ill-feeling or a drift developing or mistrust or lack of respect.


There are various steps in the process of resolving disputes:


The Qur’an repeatedly stressed the concept of Shura ( consultation and seeking advice ). This Shura is particularly applicable between the two spouses. The man should not feel, nor make decisions without his wife’s council. She loves him more than anyone else, and cares about his well-being and their family, more than anyone else.




The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child. Nor father on account of his child, and heir shall be chargeable in the same way, if they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on a foster-mother for your offspring there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (the mother) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what ye do.

Al-Baqara 2 : 233



Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular prayer; who (conduct) their affairs by mutual Consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on them for Sustenance;

Ash-Shura 42 : 38



It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).

Al-Imran 3 : 159



It is not unexpected for two people living together, especially early on in their life to have differences of opinion or arguments. Each is a unique individual with likes and dislikes, temperament and different nature. He or she is used to different things. There has to be tolerance and sacrifice for the two couples to get along. Love, understanding, respect and trust play a great role in smoothing things out, but each should be willing to give in and sacrifice, and not be obstinate or refuse to compromise.


Each human being is likely to make mistakes, no one is perfect. What distinguishes a human being as mature and rational is his ability to admit and recognize his mistake and be willing to change his behavior. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) stressed that as human beings we are likely to make mistakes, but the best is the person who repents and corrects his wrong behavior:


( Every human being is likely to sin or make mistakes, but the best among the sinners are those who repent ( and amend their conduct )

Ahmad, Termedhi, Ibn Majja & Hakim


Even those who are righteous can make mistakes, but once they realize their mistake they do not persist in their wrong conduct:


And those who, having done something to be ashamed of, or wronged their own souls, earnestly bring Allah to mind, and ask for forgiveness for their sins; and who can forgive sins except Allah? And are never obstinate in persisting knowingly in (the wrong) they have done.

Al-Imran 3 : 135


It should be stressed that marital secrets should not be made into public knowledge and that neither spouse should give secrets of that marriage. What goes on at home should stay there. Once these secrets are out, rumors will make it worse and wrong information will find its way into many homes. Then a problem that was small and contained, will become much bigger and cannot be solved. Betraying secrets is against a Muslim character of being trust-worthy ( Amana ).


Most of the time these differences can be settled through talking and discussion, if it is done in a way that shows how much the spouse cares for his/ her mate. But in few occasions these differences are hard to resolve, then additional measures may be needed. In most cases the two spouses can resolve their disputes between themselves, but if the need arises, they can seek help from close relatives or intimate friends. The Qur’an gives guidelines in this regard:


If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation: for Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things.

An-Nesa’a 4 : 35


A home should have one leader. Traditionally the man is the leader in his home, for he is responsible to take care of and provide for his wife and family:


Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all).

An-Nesa’a 4 : 34


Unfortunately many Muslim men misunderstand the meaning of this verse and feel that they are superior to their wives, and regard this verse as a license to discipline their wives. They may even resort to violence to get their own way and subdue their wives. That is certainly not the intent of our Creator, who told us that He put love and mercy between the hearts of the spouses and made them able to provide peace and tranquility to each other. The leadership position afforded to the man in his home is a heavy responsibility and he must answer to God for his actions and behavior. Man temperament is more rational and less emotional, therefore, he should not get angry or rush into action that he may regret later on. He should be wise, tolerant and patient. What is described in this verse is remedies for certain types of women who for one reason or another feel high and mighty and arrogant and not willing to listen to reason. It does not apply to most women, and should not be used to enforce the opinion of men over their wives. It outlines steps in the treatment of an illness that can potentially destroy the marriage and family. It should start with talking, reminding and admonition. Unless this is done with tender loving care it will not work. It involves much listening and no lecturing. If this step does not succeed, then a period of not sharing the bed is advised. This should cool off bad tempers and return people to their senses, seeing they are depriving themselves of what God bestowed on them of intimacy, kindness and love.


I do not believe there is any place in our world today for wife-beating. It is barbaric and causes humiliation. It only fosters fear, hatred and lack of respect. The Prophet ( PBUH ) exclaimed ( How can one of you beat his wife in the morning, only to come to her as a slave at night seeking intimacy with her ). A man who beats his wife should ask himself how he feels if she or someone else beat him! If this allowance was given at one time in a society that may have long time ago sanctioned such behavior, it is not accepted today in our society.


TEACHING HER ISLAM


Since man is the leader in his home and he is responsible for his wife and family, he should teach his wife and family the concepts of the religion, and serve as a good example in his character and behavior. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:


( Everyone of you is a guardian and a shepherd and each is responsible for his flock ( those under his authority ) )

Ahmad, Bokhari, Muslim


The Qur’an states:



O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.

At-Tahreem 66 : 6



Enjoin prayer on thy people, and be constant therein. We ask thee not to provide sustenance: We provide it for thee. But the (fruit of) the Hereafter is for righteousness.

Ta Ha 20 : 132


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said :


( The best amongst you is he who learns the Qur’an and teaches it to others )

Bokhari, Termedhi & Ahmad


KEEPING CLOSE TIES WITH HER FAMILY


When a wife moves from her parent’s home to her home, it is important for the husband to understand that her family now is his family, and her parents are his parents. When the husband keeps close ties with his wife’s family, shows respect, kindness and care it elevates him in the eyes of his wife, for it shows how much he respects her and loves her.


In contrast, a husband who does not allow his wife to see her family, or makes their visit to his home unpleasant, or shows disrespect to his wife’s family, puts pressure on his wife and shows lack of respect and love.


When God ordered us to be good and kind to our parents, it means the husband’s parents as well as the wife’s parents. Her father becomes the husband’s father, and her mother becomes the husband’s mother, and both should be shown love, honor and respect:


Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour.

Al-Isra’a 17 : 23


And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."

Al-Isra’a 17 : 24


Taking care of the spouse’s parents means:


At the same time, it is important for the wife to understand that her home and family comes first, and that her primary responsibility now is to take care of her husband and her family and home.


A wife should not rush to her parent’s home every time she gets angry or has a quarrel with her husband. The parents should instill common sense into her head, and ask her to go back to her home and solve the problem with her husband without the parents interfering or siding with their daughter.



HOW DID THE PROPHET ( PBUH ) BEHAVE WITH HIS WIVES ?


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) serves as our example in character and conduct. AS a husband he was kind, forgiving, and most forbearing. He never raised his voice, nor hit any of his wives. He overlooked their shortcomings, and forgave their mistakes. He did not loose his temper, or get angry or rush into decisions.


His wives were jealous of each other and at times criticized one another. He kept quiet and patient. He allowed the storm to pass. This occurred with Aesha and Hafsa ( may Allah be pleased with them ) when they got jealous from Umm Salama. At another time he left Aesha sleeping at night and went out. She felt jealous, so she followed him. He went to the cemetery outside Madinah seeking Allah’s forgiveness for the martyrs of Ohod. When she asked him, he explained that he was ordered by God to seek forgiveness for the dead Muslims, and that he went out silently because she was asleep and he did not want to wake her up. When Aesha asked : What should I say on visiting the graves, the Prophet ( PBUH ) replied: say : “ Peace on you dwellers of this area among the believers and the Muslims, may Allah have mercy on those who passed away first, and those who will pass away later; surely we too will follow you )

( Muslim ).



At another time, both Aesha and Hafsa were jealous of another bride, and told her to say “ I seek refuge in Allah “ when the prophet ( PBUH ) enters her quarters. When she did, the Prophet ( PBUH ) said: ( You have sought refuge in the greatest. Go to your family ). When he learned of the plot they both did, he said: ( They are like Yousef’s companions, and their plotting and snare is indeed mighty ) Bokhari


When Safeyya Bint Hay married the prophet ( PBUH ) and came complaining about the ill treatment she is suffering from both Aesha and Hafsa, the prophet ( PBUH ) did not get angry, or reproach his wives, but said to Hafsa : ( If they tell you “ You are Jewish “ tell them

“ How can you both be better than me, and my husband is Muhammad, and my father is Haroon, and my uncle is Musa ! )


One day, the prophet ( PBUH ) was in the room with one of his wives. Another wife sent some food in a plate. The wife in whose room he was threw away the plate out of jealousy. The Prophet did not get angry, rather he collected the food and replaced the broken plate and returned to the other wife a plate that was not broken.


We learn from these situations that Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) was:


A husband, therefore, must be patient and wise. He should not respond to his wife’s emotional outburst with anger or similar emotion, or behave on impulse. Rather, he should allow his anger to subside before speaking or acting. He should be rational and wise. But above all, he should be kind, forgiving and loving.



SATISYING HER NEEDS

A woman must feel that she is cherished and desired and an object of affection. No husband should take his wife for granted, rather she needs to hear that he loves her and his life is empty without her. That his life is better because of her and that she matters to him than anyone else or anything.


A woman has needs for intimacy, similar to a man’s needs. God has put this urge and made both attracted to each other. Therefore, the husband must satisfy his wife and fulfill her sexual needs, in the same way she is satisfying him and fulfilling his needs. When the prophet ( PBUH ) heard that one of his companions is fasting during the day and praying at night and not paying any attention to his wife, he did not accept that. He told him that his wife has rights over him.


A man should make himself presentable to his wife. Ibn Abbas used to do that and said: If she is making herself beautiful and presentable to me, then I owe her the same. He recognized her right of intimacy. Even if the house is full of children and there are responsibilities that must be carried out, both husband and wife must set time for each other, when they can be alone, not tired, but enjoy each other’s company and intimacy.


Omar Bin Al-Khattab asked his daughter how long can a woman tolerate being separated from her husband, and then gave his orders that the soldiers should not stay away from their wives more than 6 months.


THE RIGHTS OF THE HUSBAND


The husband also has rights as well as obligations.


  1. Respect and trust

  2. Being cared for

  3. Listen to his requests and share with him responsibility to care for the family


Respect and trust

-----------------------

Since the man is the leader in his family, he should be afforded respect and trust and any help he needs to guide his family to success.


Without respect and trust the family cannot function, and what will follow is arguments and opposition to decisions. The family can become paralyzed or polarized because of tension between the two spouses. In any organization there can be one leader. If others try to compete they can undermine the authority of the leader. Allah gave man the role of the leader in his house, and his wife should respect her husband and accept his requests as long as they do not violate religious guidelines. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:



( There is no obedience for a human being if that obedience means

Disobeying Allah our creator )

Ahmad & Hakim


A woman should trust her husband and understand that his actions are motivated by what is good for her and their family. That trust however, should not be blind, and she should advise him and point to him any wrong-doing.


Caring for the husband

The man as a husband has many needs, physical and emotional. His wife is closer to him than any other human being, and Allah described this relationship as “ Inner garments” to indicate closeness, love, protection and support.


Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments

Al-Baqara 2 : 187


Both man and woman are attracted to each other and their intimacy relieves tension and fills them both with joy. Neither should deprive the other from such happiness. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) stressed this concept:


( A woman will not find the sweetness of faith till fulfills her duty to her husband, even if he asks her herself on top of a camel )

Ahmad


The Prophet ( PBUH ) was giving an example suitable for his time. It was obviously an exaggeration, for how can two have intimacy on top of a camel! The spirit of the Hadeeth is to stress that the wife should not refuse her husband’s request for intimacy.


In another Hadeeth the Prophet ( PBUH ) said:


( If a woman asked his wife to sleep with him and she refused, so he slept overnight angry with her, the angels would curse her till morning)

Ahmad, Bokhari & Muslim


This does not mean that the husband would ask his wife any time he wishes without regard to her feelings or whether she is tired or is preoccupied. Such request for intimacy should be on mutual basis and done with love, kindness and respect. If the wife is not able to oblige or not willing for good reason, then the husband should show how much he cares for his wife and respect her feelings and wishes, and there is no reason for him to be cross or angry. Does not the same apply to the wife when she requests intimacy with her husband? He too should comply with her request with love and affection. If he is unable to do so, he should be respectful and explain in order not to hurt her feelings. Both husband and wife have rights and obligations and these should be handled with care, respect and love:


And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise.

Al-Baqara 2 : 228


Caring for the husband emotional needs means standing by him and not adding to his worries. He may have a lot on his mind and may come home exhausted and worried about issues at work. A caring loving wife knows what to do to fill her man with confidence and to be able to face up to challenge. She listens to him and guides him and advises him in what to do. She is the merciful heart that welcomes him home so he can find rest, peace and tranquility from the turmoil of the outside world. A thoughtful wife listens when her husband wants to talk, and keeps quiet when he is too preoccupied to talk. It is not easy, for a man is like a child and some men have temperament and get angry easily. Some may even relieve the stress outside the home by being blunt or unpleasant or even rude with his wife. Such behavior is not right for a Muslim, but patience and tolerance can work miracles at the time; later on the wife can remind her husband of his wrong behavior so he does not do it again.



Sharing with the husband the responsibility of caring for the family

Traditionally, the husband worked outside and provided for his family, and the wife stayed at home and raised her children and cared for her husband. Still these guidelines apply today with modifications:


TO BE PRESENTABLE

A husband likes to see his wife presentable and looking beautiful. The Prophet ( PBUH ) mentioned that ( The best of women are those who when you look at her, you are happy, and when you request something she obliges; and when you stay away from her, she safeguards you in herself and in your money )


Unfortunately, some wives because of preoccupation with their children and taking care of the house, dress in a shabby way and are not presentable. It is not easy to do all these duties, then have time to beautify and look pretty, but it is an important issue that wives should pay attention to.


Similarly, a husband should make himself presentable to his wife. Ibn Abbas did that and when asked replied that his wife makes herself presentable to him, therefore, he should do the same.


AVOID ARGUMENTS AND CAUSING DISTRESS FOR HER HUSBAND


A wife that makes her home unpleasant, always arguing and creating problems, and becoming a source of constant annoyance and distress to her husband, is only ruining her home. When either spouses find no peace or tranquility, he or she will look for this peace of mind elsewhere.


On the other hand, a wife who makes her husband feel content, peaceful and washes away his worries or at least provide a tranquil home where he can rest and rejuvenate, is highly regarded, appreciated and loved.


There are many ways of causing distress and creating hell at home:


IMPROVING HER MIND


Some women do not work to educate themselves or widen their outlook or gain experience or culture. Rather, their concern is superficial and how to spend money or the latest fashion. Other women take an active part and learn in order to understand their husband’s work and the challenges that he faces. They are up to date on current issues and can converse intelligently.


The husband wants someone he can talk to and who has a reasonable and rational mind


Reading, learning and not wasting her time on gossip or superficial useless activities is what an intelligent woman keeps as her goal.


Reading the Qur’an, understanding its Divine message and applying its guidelines in our life improves our character and behavior. Also reading the Sunnah and life story ( Seerah ) of prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) improves our ability to live as Muslims and to realize our accountability to God.


A mother who is educated and has a good mind can help her children with their home work, and listen to their problems and provide guidance. Being close to her children and providing a safe learning environment and being herself an example is important for the future development of the children.



BEING A MOTHER

A wife who is also a good mother is an indispensable and invaluable asset to the family. Taking care of the children is not easy and requires patience, sacrifice as well as resolve and purpose. Working with her husband, a wife provides the home that nourishes the family in every respect. Without a good mother, there is no prosperous or happy home. Fulfilling this role, takes a lot of pressure from the father, for he is secure in the knowledge that his wife is able and willing to shoulder that responsibility.


Obviously the father and mother should plan and agree on the basic principles and guidelines for raising the children and how to implement this policy. Differences of opinion are settled in private between themselves, and not in front of the children. Even if a parent does not agree with what happened, he or she should not disagree, rather should support the other spouse in their stand. Then, later on, they can discuss what is the best course of action. Children should not be permitted to play one parent versus the other.


A parent may seem tough, while the other is softer. That is OK. But the position and stand should be the same. This way both parents speak with one voice.
















PARENTS AND CHILDREN


Parents responsibility towards their children



To provide sustenance

----------------------------

Children are dependent on their parents for their sustenance: a home to live in, food to eat and clothes to wear. It is the father’s primary responsibility to provide for his family, and to work hard to earn honest living.


Each family should live according to its means.



Let the man of means spend according to his means: and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. After a difficulty, Allah will soon grant relief.

At-Talaq 65 : 7



Poverty is not something to be ashamed of, as long as we are doing what we are capable of and not lazy or relying on the generosity of others. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) told us that among the three groups who will enter heaven first are those who are poor, but depend on themselves and do not beg others.


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) also said :

( Money that you spend in the way of Allah, and money that you spend to free a soul, and money that you spend to help a needy person, and money that you spend on your family, the money that has the best reward is that you spend on your family )

Muslim


It is not necessary to provide expensive clothes or a fancy home. But it is necessary to provide a clean home and a secure environment and not let children be hungry. Parents sacrifice for the sake of their children and do with less in order to give their children what they deny themselves.


What may be lacking in material things at home can be compensated for with love and by setting a good example of honesty and integrity.


To provide education and to teach morals

-----------------------------------------------------

Children need education like they need food, clothes, love and security. Without a proper education they cannot know right from wrong, and cannot become achievers in a competitive world.


Education depends not only on good schools and dedicated teachers, but also on family support and guidance. The parents emphasizing the importance of a good education and working with their children day in and day out to make sure they are up to date on their school tasks is crucial. Taking a firm stand and showing that home work and study is more important than watching TV or listening to music or going to a party is the parent’s responsibility. They will meet with resentments, angry faces and may even hear bitter nasty remarks. These responses should not deter a parent from doing their duty and shouldering their responsibility of guiding and placing priorities correctly.


The religion of Islam places great emphasis on proper education and on the value of learning. The Qur’an asks the question:


Say: "Are those equal, those who know and those who do not know? It is those who are endued with understanding that receive admonition.

Az-Zumar 39 : 9


but say, "O my Lord! advance me in knowledge."

Ta Ha 20 : 114



Many verses in the Qur’an ends by asking : “ Do you then not think and consider “ Or “ Indeed in this are signs for those who reflect “


Therefore, to emphasize the importance of critical thinking is crucial in Islam. God wants us to use our intellect and to consider :


(Here is) a Book which We have sent down unto thee, full of blessings, that they may meditate on its Signs, and that men of understanding may receive admonition.

Sa D 38 : 29



Learning is more than reading or memorization of facts. It is how we think critically about what we have read, and how we assimilate this information. Then, it is about how we put this information to good use and how we apply what we learned. One of the companions of Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) was asked : Who is a scholar ? He replied: ( A scholar is the person who uses and applies what he has learned ).


Children learn from their parents in many ways. Surely from the words and advice they give them. But also they learn from their conduct and they certainly learn and emulate their character. They learn from what the parents did not say and the choices they avoided. As parents we are in a position to mould our children and leave a great imprint in their character and personality. Surely, each child is unique and different from his siblings, but they are all vulnerable to what the parents say and what they do. It is, therefore, the parents responsibility to teach their children to the best of their ability. That is why a mother who is learned and educated is an invaluable asset to her children. They spend more time with the mother than they spend with their father, who may be away earning his living or preoccupied with other matters. Therefore, the education of one’s daughters is as important as the education of our sons. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:

( Whoever takes care of three girls, teaches them and raises them well, then allows them to get married, and takes good care of them, paradise will be his reward )

Abou Dawood


Regardless of how busy the parents may be, it is crucial that they devote quality time for their children, and that they are immediately available in times of need. Talking at the dinner table and listening is more important than sitting and watching TV together. To be able to listen and allow your child to make his case and express his opinion, not afraid of parental authority is important for that child’s development and self-esteem.


The Qur’an warns parents from neglecting their duties towards their children, and to raise them well aware of their responsibility and obligations to serve Allah :



O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.

At-Tahreem 66 : 6


Parents should teach their children the basic principles of Islam and rituals of worship, like how to pray. Encouraging the children to pray, and leading them in prayer is essential. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:


Order your children to pray when they reach seven years, then when they are 10 years old make sure they pray, even beat them, and separate between the boys and girls when they sleep )

Abou Dawood.


The Qur’an stresses the duty of the parents in establishing regular prayers and making sure that their family pray and safeguard their prayers:


Enjoin prayer on thy people, and be constant therein. We ask thee not to provide sustenance: We provide it for thee. But the (fruit of) the Hereafter is for righteousness.

Ta Ha 20 : 132


The importance of being God-conscious should be stressed. God is aware of what we do at all times, therefore, we should watch what we say and what we do, and feel ashamed if we something wrong. People may not see our wrong or wicked deeds, but God sees what we do. To shy away from ill deeds and wrong things should become ingrained in the children’s personality. But this feeling of staying away from sin and bad deeds should be based on conviction, not fear. If faith did not settle in their hearts, the children will easily revert and follow their vain desires and seek immediate gratification, once they are away from their parent’s influence. Faith based on conviction and reasoning is strong and can withstand tests and trials, not like blind faith not based on logic and conviction.


To explain why Islam does not allow dating and premarital sex requires patience, diligence and proper understanding of faith and what it means to please God and struggle with one’s vain desires. A mother explaining to her children why she does not allow them to sleep overnight in a strange home requires logic, tolerance and love. It is not enough to say : “ This is our way and what Islam teaches us “ . We have to give clear answers and explain the hidden dangers and that we do that, not because we do not love them or wish to deny them a good time, but because we are afraid and wish to protect them from any possible danger. A stranger even if good, can become a monster under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and is not aware of his actions.



To provide examples of good conduct and noble character

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Children are looking for a good example to emulate and follow. If the parent does not provide that example they will look elsewhere. It does not mean that they do not love their parents.


A father cannot ask his children to pray if he himself does not pray or is not punctual in safeguarding his prayers. If the father and mother do not wake up early in the morning to pray Fajr ( Dawn ) prayer, the children will oversleep and think nothing of missing that important obligation. If watching TV is more important than praying at the proper time, again the children will place their priorities incorrectly


When our children see that we are honest and truthful, and do not lie to get out of trouble they will follow and develop this trait. When they see how hard the parents work to provide for them, the children will appreciate the value and morality of hard work.


Kindness, love and mercy are qualities that the parents should exhibit not only towards their children, but towards others. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said:


( He who does not show mercy, will not be shown mercy by God )

Bokhari & Muslim


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) explained that we should show love and mercy towards our children. One time he answered a Bedoin who asked him: why are you kissing and loving your children? He answered : ( What can I do for you if Allah took out mercy from your heart ! )

Bokhari & Muslim




To provide love and security

--------------------------------

Children need to feel safe and to be loved. Each parent should strive to provide these needs. The father as a figure of authority and as a provider for his family, and the mother as the source of love and answering every day needs.


Children deprived of love or feel unsafe will have significant psychological problems and difficulty raising a family. On the other hand, a home where the children are taken care of and feel loved will grow to become responsible parents capable of taking care of their own families.


Discipline is important, but should be coupled with love and forgiveness. Harsh discipline is not suitable for every child; love and appreciation is more appropriate with others.



To guide and supervise

--------------------------

Children need guidance and supervision. It is OK to give them choices, but at the same time as parents we need to explain and guide them in making a choice. Their experience is limited and therefore, children need their parent’s advice and guidance. We should not as parents make the decision for our children, but at the same time explain to them why we feel their choice may not be the right or appropriate choice at the time. It is a fine line between giving them too much freedom and restricting their options, and between allowing them a free choice and making sure they do not make a mistake they are not aware of.


Sometimes it is necessary to allow your child to make a mistake and learn from their mistake. We cannot and should not live their lives. Yet, it is important to show them that we love them and are always available to help and guide whenever they want our guidance.


To be fair in dealing with boys and girls

--------------------------------------------------

If we as parents favor our sons and give them preferential treatment to our daughters, we only generate envy and hatred. Simiarly, we should not favor one sibling over another. The Qur’an relates to us the story of Joseph and his brothers, and that they felt jealous of Joseph and that their father loved him more and favored him:



Verily in Joseph and his brethren are Signs (or Symbols) for Seekers (after Truth).

Yusuf 12 : 7


They said: "Truly Joseph and his brother are loved more by our father than we: but we are a goodly body! really our father is obviously wandering (in his mind)!

Yusuf 12 : 8


This jealousy and hatred led them to get rid of Joseph, in order to have their father’s love alone for themselves :



"Slay ye Joseph or cast him out to some (unknown) land, that so the favour of your father may be given to you alone: (there will be time enough) for you to be righteous after that!"

Yusuf 12 : 9



As parents we should not give one child more than we give another, or leave for him or her more than his /her siblings. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) refused to be a witness on a gift given by one of his companions, because he did not give a similar gift to his other siblings and said : ( Be conscious of Allah and be just among your children ) Bokhari & Muslim.


Sometimes it is necessary to give more attention to a child that is sick or handicapped, or devote more time with a child during his time of need.


To give the child a good name

---------------------------------------

Parents should choose good or proper names for their children. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said :

( The names most beloved to Allah are : Abdullah and Abdul-Rahman ) He also said : ( On the Day of Judgment, you will be called by your names, therefore choose proper names ) Abou Dawood.


Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) did change some names, because he felt it was wrong or inappropriate.


A name will stay with the child all his life, unless he changes that name later on. Living in a western society we should use a name that is practical and not difficult to pronounce. We can change slightly the way the name is written or pronounced to make it easier. There is nothing in our religion that we must adhere to Arabic names, in the same way that a Christian converting to Islam does not have to change his name.






Celebration of the child’s birth

--------------------------------------

This occasion in Arabic is called Aqeeqa, usually done on the 7th day of a child’s birth. A celebration is done and friends are invited to a meal. It is an occasion for thanking God for His blessing on the birth of that child. A charity is also given on behalf the new born. It is a Sunnah to say Adhan ( call to prayer ) in the ears of the newborn.
































The rights of Parents


  1. Be kind and good to your parents

  2. Support them and take care of them when they grow old

  3. Seek Allah’s forgiveness on their behalf.


Be good and kind to your parents

---------------------------------------------

The Qur’an is clear that children must be good and kind to their parents and must treat them well and take care of them especially when they grow old and become dependant


Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor.

Al-Isra’a 17 : 23


And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."

Al-Isra’a 17 : 24


We learn from these two verses :

-Not to say to them anything that may annoy them or upsets them

- Not to say any bad word

- Not to repulse them or turn your back on them

-Always address them with honor and respect

* It is particularly important to take care of our parents when they grow old, become weak, dependant and need our help

* To show love, mercy and compassion

* To be humble with them and never elevate ourselves

* To seek Allah’s mercy and forgiveness for our parents

* To appreciate the trouble and sacrifice they went through in order to raise us and take care of us


The Qur’an is clear that Allah’s messengers were kind and good with their parents:


Yahya was good to his parents :


And kind to his parents, and he was not overbearing or rebellious.

Marium 19 : 14


Eisa ( Jesus ) PBUH was good and kind to his mother :


"(He) hath made me kind to my mother, and not overbearing or miserable;

Marium 19 : 32


Even though Ibrahim’s father refused to listen to him, or obey Allah and threatened him with harm, Ibrahim was kind and polite with his father:



"O my father! To me hath come knowledge which hath not reached thee: so follow me: I will guide thee to a Way that is even and straight.

Marium 19 : 43


"O my father! Serve not Satan: for Satan is a rebel against (Allah) Most Gracious.

Marium 19 : 44


"O my father! I fear lest a Penalty afflict thee from (Allah) Most Gracious, so that thou become to Satan a friend."

Marium 19 : 45


(The father) replied: "Dost thou hate my gods, O Abraham? If thou forbear not, I will indeed stone thee: now get away from me for a good long while!"

Marium 19 : 46


Abraham said: "Peace be on thee: I will pray to my Lord for thy forgiveness: for He is to me Most Gracious.

Marium 19 : 47


Abdulah Bin Masoud said : I asked the messenger of Allah ( PBUH ) : What are the deeds most beloved to Allah ? . He said : ( To pray at the proper time ). He asked: What then? He said : ( To be good to your parents ). He asked : what after that ? He said : ( Jihad ( striving ) in the cause of Allah )

Bokhari & Muslim


Abou Horaira related that Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) said :

( woe to him; woe to him; woe to him ). His companions asked : who is it o Messenger of Allah ? He said : ( The person who finds his parents have become old, one of them, or both of them, but they did not let him enter paradise ) Muslim


We learn from this Hadeeth :



Though Jihad is of vital importance and highly regarded in Islam, we are not allowed to go forth in Jihad if our parents need our attention. Abdullah Bin Amru related that a man came and sought permission to go in Jihad with Allah’s prophet ( PBUH ). He asked him : ( Are any of your parents alive ? ). He said : yes. The Prophet ( PBUH ) replied: ( Then do your Jihad with them ( taking care of them ) Bokhari & Muslim

In another narration the prophet ( PBUH ) said : ( go back and ask for permission from your parents. If they give you permission, then go in Jihad; otherwise do your Jihad in taking care of them )

Abou Dawood



One of the major sins is to treat our parents unkindly or wrongly

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Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) said :

( Shall I tell you what are the major sins ? and he repeated that three times ). His companions said : Yes, O messenger of Allah. He said : ( To worship someone with Allah; and to be bad or unkind to your parents; and to give false witness. He kept repeating : and to give false witness ) till his companions wished he would stop. ( Bokhari & Muslim )


Abdullah Bin Umr Bin Al’As related that the Prophet ( PBUH ) said :

( The grave sins are : To worship others besides Allah; and to treat your parents in a bad or wrong way; and to murder a soul; and to lie in your oath )

Bokhari\


He also related that Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) said :

( Among the major sins is to curse your parents ). They asked : O messenger of Allah: how can one curse his parents? He said : ( You curse the father of another man, or his mother, and subsequently, the other man curses your father or your mother ) Bokhari & Muslim.


The mother deserve more care

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Because she suffered more during pregnancy, breast-feeding and taking care of the infant and child, more than the father

The mother usually is weaker and needs more support



We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says: "O my Lord! grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents, and that I may work righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."

Al-Ahqaf 46 : 15


Abou Horaira related that a man asked Allah’s messenger ( PBUH ) :

Who deserves my best company ? He said : ( Your mother ). He asked : Who after that ? He said : ( Your mother ). He asked : Who after that ? He said : ( Your mother ). He asked: Who after that ? He said : ( Then your father ) Narrated by Bokhari & Muslim.



How can we be good to our parents after they die ?

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  1. To pay their debts

  2. To say Du’a to Allah on their behalf

  3. To give charity on their behalf

  4. To do Hajj on their behalf if they were unable to do so in their life

  5. To fast on their behalf if they missed that

  6. To recite the Qur’an and ask Allah to give them that reward

  7. To seek Allah’s forgiveness for them

  8. To be good to their relatives and friends





Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said :

( When man dies, his deeds cease except for three: A charity that continues to benefit others; or a knowledge that is useful; or a righteous child that says Du’a ( prayer to Allah ) on his behalf ) Muslim






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