Parenting or how to educate and raise our children

BS Foad,M.D. 2009

We will discuss the following concepts:

1-Both parents are responsible for educating and raising their children

2- This Tarbia (educating, grooming, raising the children) involves several aspects:

- Taking care of their bodies

- Taking care of their mind

- Taking care of their emotional and psychological needs

- Guiding them and serving as good examples for them

3- Guiding them in choosing good friends, and preventing harm from bad friends or influences

4- Being there when they need us

Both parents are responsible for educating and raising their children

A child looks for guidance to his parents. He listens to what they say, and observes their actions, and follows their example. If the parents are not able to provide guidance, then the child looks elsewhere, outside his family.

Children therefore learn from:

• What we say as parents
• What we do
• Our example.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) explained the duties of the parents when he said:

( Every one of you is a Shepard and a Guardian, and every one is responsible and accountable for those under his authority: A man is a guardian in his home and is accountable for his family; and a woman is a guardian in her home, and is accountable for her family.. )

Bokhari & Muslim

It is important that both husband and wife discuss and agree and have a unified plan for raising their children and for dealing with problems. They can disagree among themselves, but should project a united front and present the same message in front of the children. They should not allow their children to play one parent against the other. One parent can be more loving and easy going, while the other is more stern or authorotative, but both parents should be saying the same message.

Our actions should confirm what we say. In other words we cannot order our children to pray if we ourselves do not pray. We cannot tell them to be honest if we ourselves lie and cheat others. We cannot tell them to be kind and loving if we ourselves show no compassion or mercy. Our children learn more from what we do than from what we say.

The Qur’an explains the parent’s responsibility towards their children:

O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.

At-Tahreem 66 : 6

Taking care of the children’s needs

These needs include:

• Physical needs as far as their bodies
• Learning and improving their minds
• Teaching them the religion of Islam and their role in serving God
• Addressing their emotional and psychological needs
• Serving as good examples and guiding them

Addressing the physical needs of our children

Children need food and clothes and a safe home. Their bodies need nourishment. To provide for our children is a duty on the parents. Taking care of them when they get sick is a responsibility that both parents must shoulder. The goal is healthy children who are strong physically and mentally. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told us : (The believer who is strong is better and more beloved to Allah than the believer who is weak). Someone who is healthy and strong can take care of himself and can help others. Whereas someone who is weak needs help himself and cannot be of help to any one else. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also said: (The best women who rode camels are the women of Quraish for they are most kind and loving to their children when they are young, and they take care of their husbands and are not wastful in their money) Bokhari

A child who is clean means that his parents are taking good care of him. Teaching our children to be clean is important as well as teaching them ablution before they pray, for Allah loves those who clean themselves:

They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.

Al-Baqara 2 : 222

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: (Five things are from Fitra (Innate nature): circumcision, cleaning yourself after urination and bowel movement, cutting your nails, removing the hair from the axilla, and cutting your moustache) Muslim.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also emphasized the importance of Sewak (brushing the teeth) when he said : (Sewak cleans the mouth and pleases Allah) Nesa’ee. He also said: (If I was not worried about making things difficult on my nation I would have ordered them to use Sewak at each prayer) Muslim

He told us to take a bath or a shower on Friday : (Washing your body is necessary on every adult Muslim on the day of Friday) Muslim

The Qur’an encourages us to wear our good clothes when we go to the mosque to pray:

O Children of Adam! Wear your beautiful apparel at every time and place of prayer: eat and drink: but waste not by excess, for Allah loveth not the wasters.

Al-Araf 7 : 31

Moderation in eating is recommended in this verse, so we do not become fat and our health suffers.

Addressing the children’s emotional and psychological needs

A loving home where the children feel safe, loved and cared for is essential for their emotional and psychological health and well being. The child will grow with self confidence and can reciprocate and give love in return, Contrast this to a home devoid of love and caring and where the child does not feel safe and feels threatened. Such a child has emotional and psychological scars and cannot exhibit love and will have serious problems when he or she grows up.

A home where the father cares for his wife and shows respect and consults her in decision making is a home where the children will grow respectful of their mother and of other women. In contrast, a home where the father is authoritative and treats his wife badly is a home where the child will grow showing no respect for women as they emulate their father’s behavior.

A home where the father or mother is alcoholic is a home where the children will see their parent getting angry and loosing control and may be abusive to their mother. The children will react to an abusive alcoholic parent and this will leave deep emotional scars.

Loving our children and kissing them and playing with them is as important as providing food, drink and clothes. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to hug and kiss his grand children. One time one of them was on his back during Sojood (Prostration) and he prolonged it fearful of harming him or disturbing him.

Teaching the children their religion is a duty on each parent

The parents are the best teachers for their children. They teach them how to read the Qur’an and how to pray. They serve as examples for them as how should a Muslim behave and live his life aware of his duty in worshipping and serving Allah. A father who leads the prayer at home and who takes his son with him to the mosque to pray ingrains in his son the importance and significance of prayer. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told us to teach our children how to pray: (Order your children to pray when they are seven, and beat them if they do not pray by age ten, and separate between males and females when they go to bed) Abou Dawood & Termedhi.

This saying of the Prophet (PBUH) means :

· We should encourage our children to pray by age seven, this way they get used to prayer and it becomes second nature to them

· Beat here means stressing the vital role and importance of prayer. It should be taken seriously and every effort done to ensure that the children pray regularly

· Separating between males and females when they sleep is important by age seven, to avoid sexual contact, avoid wrong and to lean modesty.

Similarly, children should be encouraged to fast Ramadan. Initially they can fast part of the day. Later on they can fast one day. Gradually they learn to fast the blessed month and appreciate the significance and value of fasting. As the family fasts together and break their fast together, and pray together, the children learn how to conduct themselves during Ramadan.

The same principle is true of giving charity and helping the poor and needy. As the parents set the example of giving their Zakat, the children learn the importance and rationale of charity. They also learn that charity is not confined to just giving money, but involves our effort, spreading useful knowledge, guiding others, helping others and saying a good word or serving as good examples for others.

The importance of noble character should be emphasized by the parents. To be truthful, honest, kind, forgiving, merciful, just, doing good, righteous, patiently-persevering and never giving up hope of God’s mercy is a crucial part of our religion. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told us: (Be conscious of God at all times; when you do something wrong follow that with a good deed, it will wipe it out; and treat others and interact with them through good and noble character) Abou Dawood.

Basic concepts of belief or Aqeeda is necessary for every Muslim to learn and understand. Learning and understanding our accountability to God will shape our character and behavior. Faith in God and understanding that He knows what we are doing, that He listens and responds to our cries for help is important in determining how we behave. Belief in God’s messengers and obedience to the orders of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is necessary for us to live as Muslims. Believing in fate as God’s will allow us to tolerate our difficulty, and will encourage us to work hard to change our fate that God may will for us. We never loose hope of God’s mercy.

Teaching them to learn and improve their mind

Islam is a religion that encourages us to read and learn. It is a religion of logic. The Qur’an encourages Muslims to think and reflect and understand:

Do they not then earnestly seek to understand the Qur-an, or are their hearts locked up by them?

Muhammad 47 : 24

Do they not consider the Qur-an (with care)? Had it been from other than Allah, they would surely have found therein much discrepancy.

An-Nesa’a 4 : 82

(Here is) a Book which We have sent down unto thee, full of blessings, that they may meditate on its Signs, and that men of understanding may receive admonition.

SaD 38 : 29

but say, "O my Lord! advance me in knowledge."

Ta Ha 20 : 114

(Allah) Most Gracious!

Ar-Rahman 55 : 1

It is He Who has taught the Qur-an.

Ar-Rahman 55 : 2

He has created man:

Ar-Rahman 55 : 3

He has taught him speech (and Intelligence).

Ar-Rahman 55 : 4

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: (The best among you is the person who learns the Qur’an and teaches the Qur’an to others) Bokhari

Islam teaches us to ask questions in order to learn and advance. Prophet Abraham asked questions and asked God to show him how God gives life to the dead. God did not get angry, rather he asked Abraham if he has no faith? Abraham said: Yes I do believe, but I want my heart to be secure and content:

Behold! Abraham said: "My Lord! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead." He said: "Dost thou not then believe?" He said: "Yea! but to satisfy my own understanding." He said: "Take four birds; tame them to turn to thee; put a portion of them on every hill, and call to them; they will come to thee, (flying) with speed. Then know that Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise."

Al-Baqara 2 : 260

God did not show Abraham how He gives life to the dead. He only showed him that indeed He can revive the dead birds. We learn God’s power. We also learn that our knowledge is limited. This way we become humble and not arrogant. Certain concepts are beyond our comprehension like the innate nature of God. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told us to understand God through His creation and through His attributes, but not think of His innate nature. The Qur’an tells us that our knowledge is indeed limited in certain matters like the nature of the Spirit:

They ask thee concerning the Spirit (of inspiration). Say: "The Spirit (cometh) by command of my Lord: of knowledge it is only a little that is communicated to you, (O men!)"

Al-Isra’a 17 : 85

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) explained that the more we know God, the more conscious of Him we become. We understand and acknowledge His blessings and we become more eager to do good and help others, because we appreciate God’s blessings: (By God among you I know God the most and I am more conscious of Him) Bokhari. The Qur’an confirms that those who have the knowledge and understanding fear God the most:

Those truly fear Allah, among His Servants, who have knowledge: for Allah is Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving.

Fatir 35 : 28

Therefore, we should stress to our children the value and importance of knowledge, wisdom and understanding. When they see us learning and improving, they too want to learn and evolve. We should also stress that useful knowledge is to be shared and dissimenated to help others. It is the obligation of those who do not know to learn and ask those who know:

if ye realise this not, ask of those who possess the Message.

An-Nahl 16 : 43

Guiding our children and serving as good examples for them

As human beings we need both knowledge in the form of a Divine text as well as a human messenger who applies God’s message and becomes an example for others to follow. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) applied the Qur’an in his character and behavior, and therefore, became an example for us to emulate and follow:

Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct) for any one whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the praise of Allah.

Al-Ahzab 33 : 21

As parents we should serve as examples for our children in the way we live our life. When we work hard to earn our living and are honest and sincere, and do our work to the best of our ability, we teach our children proper work ethics. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told us: (Allah loves for any person who works to do his work to the best of his ability) Baihaqi

When as parents we cope with difficult situations and patiently persevere and never loose hope of God’s mercy, we set an example for our children. They learn the value of patience and sacrifice and of never giving up. Too many times parents give their children what they ask for and indulge them. The children then develop the habit of getting what they want without working for it. They become spoiled, to the extent that when they cannot get their desires fulfilled they get impatient and frustrated.

We should not differentiate in our treatment of our children or favor one child over another. This will lead to resentment, jealousy and hatred. We should be fair and just with all our children. When they make mistakes, they should be made aware of their mistake and punished for it under certain circumstances. This way they learn not to repeat these mistakes. At certain times reminders and forgiveness will work as well. Not all children are the same, and what works with one child will not succeed with his brother or sister. Our goal is not to punish or deprive, but to guide, instruct and educate.

Guidance also involves manners of dress and demeaner and attitude. Modesty in dress and avoiding vulgarity and showing off are the guidelines. Not looking down at others less fortunate and not harshly criticizing others or back-biting them is important.

Guidance also involves advice regarding selecting good friends and companions that can help, rather than bad friends who can harm, mislead and corrupt. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) emphasized the importance of choosing our companions: (The example of a good companion is that of a person carrying musk: either he will give you a present, or you may buy from him, or at least you can smell something nice; as for the bad companion he is like a person blowing on fire: either he will burn your clothes, or you will have a nasty smell) Bokhari. Children are vulnerable and many succumb to peer pressure. Therefore, it is important to make sure that their friends and companions are good and not harmful.

The mother has great influence on her daughters. They usually grow up to become like their mother. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) emphasized the importance of raising our daughters well and told us the great reward of doing so: (Whoever have three daughters, and raises them well, be patient with them and provides for them, they will serve to protect him on the Day of Judgment) Ahmad & Ibn Majja.

Parents should be there when their children need them

When our children understand that we care about them, and will be available when they need us it will give them a sense of security and great comfort and support. Many times we do not agree with the choices or decisions our grown up children take. But we have to keep quiet unless they seek our advice and council. At the same time, we should explain that we will be there to help if they need us. They have to live their life without interference or pressure from us their parents. It is not easy to do, especially when we know that they are making wrong decisions.

Sometimes our children explode and say things that they may regret later on when they realize how much they hurt our feelings as parents. We as parents should be patient and tolerant and understand that they can do that to us because they know we love them.