Domestic violence

Domestic violence

BS Foad,M.D 2009

We will discuss the f= ollowing concepts:

1-&n= bsp; The basic relationship between husband and wife involves kindness, love and mercy for each of the spouses find comfort, inner peace and satisfaction in his partn= er

2-&n= bsp; The general= rule in Islam is kindness and gentle nature, and not harshness or being severe in nature or violent in behavior

3-&n= bsp; Men are not superior or better than women. Both have human dignity and deserve respect = and trust

4-&n= bsp; Man is traditionally the leader in his home and should be respected and obeyed as such, unless he abuses his privilege or disobeys Allah and His messenger.

5-&n= bsp; How Muslims misunderstand the Qur’anic verse regarding discipline in Surat An-Nesa’a (chapter four).

6-&n= bsp; The prophet’s teaching indicate that he advised against men beating their wives, therefore Islam does not approve wife-beating

7-&n= bsp; The consequ= ences of domestic violence and who suffers

The relationship between the spouses is based on kindness, love and mercy, and it provides satisfaction, peace and contentment to both spouses. The Qur’= ;an honors such relationship and explains that it is one of the Signs of God an= d a blessing that He bestowed on the married couple:

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwe= ll in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hear= ts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

= ; Ar-Rum 30: 21

We learn from this verse:

· The two spouses are very close to each other

· Their relationship is based on kindness and mercy<= /p>

· This relationship is a blessing from God, for it provides for the in= ner peace and happiness of the two spouses

· We should cherish and safeguard this relationship since it is a gift= and blessing from God

The basic rule and guideline in Islam is kindness and gentle nature, not violence, harsh= ness or severe nature or behavior. Islam refers to gentle kind nature as “= Rifq”, and refers to harsh violent nature as”Unf”.

The Qur’an describes the kind gentle nature of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) an= d praises his character, and warns against violent harsh severe temperament:

It is part of the Mercy of Allah th= at thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they wo= uld have broken away from about thee: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Th= en, when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).

= ; Al-Imran 3: 159

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) praised kind gentle nat= ure and explained its value:

(Rifq (kindness and gentle nature and avoiding harsh severe temperament) is good and improves the action and behavior; and when it is lacking, it makes the action bad and less valuable) Muslim<= /o:p>

The Prophet (PBUH) also said:=

(O Allah whoever was given authority over my pe= ople and was harsh and severe with them, be harsh and severe with him; and whoev= er was kind and gentle with them, be kind and gentle with him) Muslim

The Prophet (PBUH) also said:=

(Whoever was given his share of kindness and ge= nteelness, he was given a lot of good; and whoever was denied kindness and gentleness = was denied goodness) Muslim

It stands to reason that people love a person w= ho is kind and gentle and hate someone who is harsh, severe and violent. Proph= et Muhammad (PBUH) once saw a man urinate in the mosque. The companions of the Prophet (PBUH) were about to beat the man, but the Prophet (PBUH) said: ( Leave him and pour water over his urine, for you wer= e sent to make things easy for others, not to make life difficult) Bokhari.

Men are not superior or better than women, each has human dignity

No person is better than another person because= of gender or lineage. We are better and closer to Allah by our actions and our noble character and by our piety. The Qur’an states:

Verily the most honoured of you in t= he sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full Knowledge and is well-acquainted (with all things).

&n= bsp; Al-Hujerat 49: 13

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:

(There is no distinction for an Arab over a non-Arab except for piety)<= /span>

The Qur’an stresses the human dignity of both men and women and explains = that both are responsible and accountable for their behavior. Each will get his/= her reward for doing good:

Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has Faith, verily= , to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good= and pure, and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.

&n= bsp; An-Nahl 16: 97

If any do deeds of righteousness, - be they male or female - and have faith, they will enter Heaven, and not the least injustice will be done to them.

&n= bsp; An-Nesa’a 4: 124

And their Lord hath accepted of them, and answered them: "N= ever will I suffer to be lost the work of any of you, be he male or female: ye a= re members, one of another;

&n= bsp; Al-Imran 3: 195

For Muslim men and women, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men = and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women= who fast (and deny themselves), for men and women who guard their chastity, and= for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise, for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.

&n= bsp; Al-Ahzab 33: 35

Muslim scholars stated that any order or reward given to men is equally given to women.

Men are the leaders in their homes and should be respected and obeyed as long as they o= bey Allah and His messenger

Traditionally man is the leader in his home. He provides for his family and is responsible for their welfare. God charged man with this responsibility and man is accountable to God:

Men are the protec= tors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) t= han the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard.

&n= bsp; An-Nesa’a 4: 34

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:

( Everyone of you is a guardian and is respons= ible for those under his authority. The leader is a guardian and is accountable;= and the Man is a guardian in his home and is accountable..<= /span> )

Bokhari & Muslim

Some misunderstand the meaning of this verse. They feel that because men provide= for their families, and because they are the leaders in their homes, then men a= re better than women. Therefore, their orders must be obeyed. Some may look do= wn at women or show no respect or trust. This view point is not what our Islam tells us to do. Islam praises both men and women. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) u= rged Muslim men to be good to their wives and to take care of them:

(Be good to women.. )

Bokhari & Muslim

Some women know more than their husbands and are better able to lead their famil= ies. Those that are smart will do so indirectly and make their husbands believe = that the husbands are running the show.

Some misunderstand discipline in Islam

The Qur’an discusses discipline in married life and refers to a situation where some women behave in an arrogant way and refuse to respect or obey th= eir husbands. This situation is referred to as (Nushouz). It is not the normal situation, because in most cases Muslim women are respectful of their husba= nds and obey their orders and requests, for they are devout and have faith and understand how the family works.

Men are the protectors and maintain= ers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women a= re devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would ha= ve them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-cond= uct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat = them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all).

&= nbsp; An-Nesa’a 4: 34

However, when there is disrespect and arrogance on the part of the wife, the Qur’an outlines three steps that the husband may resort to under these circumstances. These involve:

1- advice and remin= ders of the duty of both husband and wife towards their family and to their duty= in serving God and of being conscious of Him. Such advice is to be given in a = kind caring manner with love and respect, and not in a violent way or through shouting or in a way that demeans or shows disrespect for the wife. This ad= vice cannot be given when the couple are angry. It sh= ould wait till emotions and tempers have cooled down. It should succeed in ending this problem as both husband and wife realize the blessing that God has giv= en both of them and the danger of loosing it.

2- If this st= ep fails and the wife is still arrogant and obstinate and refuses to listen to reason, then allowance is given to go to the next step which is to refuse to have intimate sexual contact. This is obviously hard on both husband and wi= fe, for they are depriving themselves a source of happiness and closeness that = God has allowed. This step should succeed and ends this quarrel. This step does= not mean that either spouse sleep in a separate room, or not talk to each other= , or ignore one another, or show disrespect or use bad language. This separation only applies to intimate contact.

The last step which may be resorted = to only if the first two steps fail is light beating that does not injure nor leave scar or deformity. Some said it is beating on a limb with a news pape= r. It should never involve hitting the face or causing harm. Obviously it shou= ld not be done in front of the children. This allowance is a last resort and i= s to be used rarely and only with certain types of women. It is an exception and= not the rule. The evidence is the sayings of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his behavior

Prophet Muhammad’s behavior indicates that Islam does not condone wife beatin= g

The eviden= ce is the sayings of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) (How can one of you beat his wife li= ke he is beating his slave, then seeks intimate con= tact with her at the end of the day?) Bokhari & Muslim.<= /span> In another Hadeeth (saying of the Prophet): (Should not you be ashamed of beating your wife, like you beat a slave during the day, then seek intimate contact with her at the end of the day?) Abdel-Razzak.<= /span>

We have to understand that the Proph= et (PBUH) was talking to people in a different time and place, and who had a culture different from ours. Men had many wives and slavery was present. The Prophet (PBUH) abhors this behavior of beating the wife. He did not make it unlawful, but surely his words do condemn such behavior. Prophet Muhammad (= PBUH) never beat any of his wives, and he is our example of proper behavior.=

The Prophet (PBUH) sets an example f= or us in not beating any of his wives, despite being provoked by some of them.= He was patient and tolerant, and never used bad language. He also condemned the some men beating their wives. He was talking to people at a time when women= had few rights and the man had absolute authority in his home. When we try to a= pply his teachings to our society today, it is clear that there is no place in I= slam nowadays for wife-beating. Men can resort to advice and not having intimate contact, but that all they can do.

We also live in a society where laws must be obeyed. A wife who is abused by her husband has the right to call t= he police and report such abuse. The police has the= right under the law to put the abusive husband in jail. The wife can also get a c= ourt order barring the husband from coming to their home if she fears for her li= fe and feels threatened by her husband. Muslim men must think twice before res= ort to physical abuse or violence, for the law is against them and they can lan= d in jail. Judges cite with the victim, which is the wife in this case.

The conseq= uences of domestic violence

1- When a wif= e is beaten she feels humiliated, angry and hates her husband who abused her and wants to get back at him. She looses self-respect and feels weak and vulnerable.

2- Once a hus= band commits such an act of violence the damage is already done and the relation= ship between him and his wife has been damaged and cannot return back to normal, regardless of how much he tries, or feels remorse or apologizes.=

3- The childr= en also suffer. Once they see their mother beaten and humiliated it leaves a s= car that cannot heal. If the abuse continues, this trauma becomes worse and can= affect their well being and ability to function

4- The commun= ity as a whole suffers as well. Other members in the community will try to help and mediate, but their impression and their relationship with the abused family will also suffer, whether this feeling is articulated or is hidden. The abu= sed family will not be able to function or contribute normally. Obviously helpi= ng the abused family is a duty on the community and its leaders and they must = do everything they can to help and support. The family should never feel isola= ted or accused or out-casted.

Considering all these consequences the goal should be to prevent domestic violence and abuse, rather dealing with the situation after the damage has already happe= ned.

It is the responsibility of the community to educate its members about this is= sue that can destroy families. We need to educate not only men and women, but a= lso our children. We should not hide this problem, or pretend that it does not occur in Muslim families. We should be proactive, educate the whole communi= ty and attempt to prevent domestic violence, rather than react to individual c= ases as they happen.

Domestic violence

BS Foad, M.D 2009

The relationship betwe= en the spouses is based on kindness, love and mercy and gives both husb= and and wife inner peace and tranquility

“And among His signs is that He created for you from among yourselves mates, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: indeed in that are signs for those who reflect” Ar-Rum 30: 21<= /p>

Kindness and gentle na= ture should be the rule not harshness, severe nature or violence

“It is part of the mercy of Allah that you are gentle with them. Were you sever= e or harsh-hearted, they would have turned away: so pass over their faults, and = seek God’s forgiveness for them and consult them in your mutual affairs.. “ Al-Imran 3: 159

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: (Rifq (kindness and gentle nature and not being harsh or severe) is good and improves your behavior; a= nd when it is lacking it makes your behavior less valuable= ) Muslim

No person is better th= an another person because of gender or lineage or skin color=

“Indeed the most honored of you in the sight of God is the most righteous, for God = has full

Knowledge and is well-acquainted with all things” Al-Hujer= at 49: 13

Men are not superior to women: both have human dignity and will be rewarded or punished according to their deeds

“Whoever does good, man or wo= man, and has faith, to him We will give a new life, a= life that is good and pure, and We will reward them according to the best of the= ir deeds” An-Nahl 16: 97

Men are the leaders in= their homes and should be respected and obeyed as long as they obey Allah and His messenger

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one mo= re than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore, = the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband’s abs= ence what Allah has them guard”

An-Nesa’a 4 : 34

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: (Every one of you is a guardian and is responsible for those under his authority.. the man is a guardia= n and is responsible for his family; and the woman is a guardian and responsible = for her family..) Bokhari, Mul= im & Ahmad

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) urged men to be good to their wives and to take care of the= m

Some misunderstand discipline in Islam: there is no place nowadays for wife-beating=

The Qur’an discusses discipline in married life and refers to a situation where some women behave in an arrogant way and refuse to respect or obey th= eir husbands. The Qur’an outlines steps that the husband may resort to un= der these circumstances including talking to his wife in a kind way and not hav= ing intimate contact with her. The Qur’an gave the husband the allowance = of further action if these two steps fail. But prophet Muhammad (PBUH) condemned such action of wife-beating. He said: (Should you not be ashamed of yourself bea= ting your wife, like you beat a slave during the day, then seek intimate contact with her at the end of the day?) Abdel-Razzak. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) never beat any of his wives, and he serves as our example of proper behavior

The consequences of do= mestic violence

A wife who is abu= sed by her husband has the right to report to the police and the husband may = land in jail
A wife who is abu= sed feels humiliated, looses self-respect, feels weak and vulnerable and h= ates her husband
The relationship between husband and wife is damaged and cannot return to normal
The children suff= er.
The community also suffers the loss of two valuable Muslims

The community should be educated and informed in order to prevent domestic abuse<= /b>